The ADM: Average Dutch Male, part one

English translation of my previous post: Il MOM: Maschio Olandese Medio, parte prima

For those who know me or in case someone is interested: after a short period in Scotland, I came back to the Netherlands. Being back here means becoming anxious every time I have to cross a bike path during rush hours, of course, but also eating bitterballen again and seeing that disgusting peanut butter be put on every kind of food.
Unfortunately, being back in Holland means especially starting again to deal with him, the Average Dutch Male (ADM).
It’s been a while since I left Italy and – even when I was there – I never actually cared a lot about the Netherlands and its inhabitants; I think, though, that in my Country they have quite a positive idea of the ADM: supertall, superblond, supersmiling, during summer they crowd Italian beaches/hills/mountains/lakes and make conquests. Basically, a bunch of supercool guys.
Someone has to say the Truth, now.
First of all it has to be said that here, when it comes to men (and women), every taste can be easily satisfied: there’s a high percentage of Surinamese people (Javanese, Creoles and so on) and of other different ethnic groups and nationalities (inevitable Italians included, in case you’d inexplicably miss them). In my opinion, multiculturalism is a positive aspect, but the ADM is the superblond stereotype that all of you have in mind, so I’m gonna talk about that.
How can an ADM be physically recognised? From the height, you’d probably say. Uhm, yes and no. The ADM is definitely tall, really tall. My ears have heard 1.85 metres tall ADM say, in all seriousness, that yes, they know it, they are short, there’s no need to poke fun on them about that. If you hear an ADM saying something like this, my advice is to resort to a good old facepalm (you decide on which face put your palm and how hard).
Anyway, okay, the ADM is tall, but that’s not his main typical aspect. No, you can tell an ADM from other nationalities male exemplars only by observing his extremities: (a) hair and (b) shoes.
(a) The blond-ish ADM’s hair is covered with a thick layer of gel, combed back with a sharp lateral line and very visible marks left by the comb. Horrible, but very useful when the strong Dutch wind blows: while everyone’s hair flutters about (covering the visual with a high risk of being hit by a crazy cyclist), the ADM’s mane, intrepid, resists on the top, prideful in all its unsightliness.
(b) Set: you, young Italian girl, are in Holland, let’s say for a holiday; you’ve spotted a cute Dutchie sat opposite to you on the train to Hoek van Holland and you decide to chat up him (oh, honey… good luck with that!). He’s quite an handsome ADM, isn’t he? That pale face, that lovely Dutch nose, those blue eyes and those long long legs. Well, now, listen to me: don’t get to the end of those legs. Don’t do it, I say! Stop! Okay, go on, do as you like, but then don’t blame me. No need to be so horrified, I warned you! And don’t rub your eyes: you can perfectly see. Yes, those are brown shoes. Horrible, pointed, brown shoes. With a never-ending point, to be precise. They’ll tell you that cognac shoes are very stylish, combined with a blue suit. You’ll hold back (or not) a horrified look and you’ll ask yourself: how the hell can they go up and down these impossible Dutch stairs wearing two catamarans on their feet? Mysteries.
So, these are the only two certainties in my life, at the moment: that, doesn’t matter if it’s long or short, curly or straight, the Dutch hair is always covered with gel and that – at 8 a.m. of every working day – public transportation in the Netherlands is invaded by brown shoes. All this stuff scares me, but also gives me a sense of serenity and certainty.

If what you’ve just read was vaguely interesting and you would like to know more about the ADM, stay tuned: a second part is coming soon and it’s gonna be about the (nonexistent) ADM’s emotional sphere!